Monday, 3 April 2017

Better Monday

so.....having had my melt down and jolly good cry yesterday, I feel a lot better today. Nothing has changed, obviously. I was up with The Boy at about 1 and that was us, awake. So ,I should feel weary (I do) but somehow the abject misery and feelings of hopeless uselessness which so over whelmed me yesterday have somewhat dissipated.  I still grieve for that 'ordinariness' that many of the rest of our friends and acquaintances experience....but today, I am coping. It maybe helped that I read someone else's blog about  coping on some days but not coping on others. It helped. Maybe I am a different sort of of ordinary way. Maybe our family is its own way. I don't know. I just know that today I am coping. For that I am grateful.

The End

Sunday, 2 April 2017

melt down sunday I had a melt down. Endless broken nights, endlessly unconditi0nally being on hand, relentless demands...finally I tipped. It was a simple passing comment from another of our offspring that tipped me into a downward freefall. It wasn't meant to have that effect. But it did. Our life has not been an ordinary one for many years...but I didn't know how much I grieved for that ordinary life. I hadn't realised how much I long for an ordinary family where we can all sit around together and laugh together and maybe go on holiday together, with our children and their children. I hadn't known how much I envy the ordinariness of going to the pub..or an impromptu visit to a pizza house without military precision planning, bags of huge nappies, wipes etc.i hadn't acknowledged aloud the depth of my feelings, the agony of the pain of not being ordinary and the effect that has had on us as a family unit. I feel like I have failed.

So today has turned out to be a less than lovely day.

The end