Monday, 28 November 2016

last post

So...the world is falling apart. At least that is how it feels. I feel too self-indulgent , writing about the small life that we have so I shall stop for a while.

Have a happy Christmas and a year of peace and love.
Thanks for coming with me on the journey thus far.

The End

Thursday, 10 November 2016

feeling like a terrible person, after yet another night of being awoken at 2.30am followed by several hours of wrestling and scratching and pummelling, I have today contacted an organisation that gives long term residential care to adults like my Boy. I sent the email but now I feel like the worst person in the entire world. He is snoozing peacefully and trustingly on my shoulder, calm and content knowing he is loved and cared for unstintingly which makes me feel like traitorous baggage. I have to remind myself that I only sent an initial enquiry... even thinking about it makes me feel awful.  We ,M and I ,watched a film recently. It was called Live, Die, Repeat. M commented slightly wearily that our lives  are just like that. We live, die a little and then do the same day all over again. I know that could be said of most people's lives in reality but I think M is feeling the weight of this life of ours particularly heavily at the moment. Mostly I don't think about it. Too hard. Too scary. But I too am tired.  it all feels too difficult right at this moment.

I only made an initial enquiry. That's all. Nothing else. I need to remind myself of that as the Boy awakes and we get on with the evening.

Off to find a potato
  The End

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

trump day

So...will today go down in the annals of history as Trump day?? The day when the Trump card was played????  The world watches with interest and slight trepidation as the USA goes forward from here.

While such vast wheels of political machinery are in motion, every day life goes on apace. The Right Bus still has to arrive. The Right routines still have to be followed. Or the world would indeed be coming to an end...certainly for my Boy it would.

I was thinking as we stood, freezing, waiting for the bus this morning. I was thinking about regimes which 'liquidate' vulnerable members of their society so that these vulnerable people are not a drain on the societal coffers and resources. In history, this liquidation has been 'sold' as being in the best interests of the greater good. Let's hope history has taught its lesson well.

Enough from me

The End

Friday, 4 November 2016

the carers assessment.

So..recently I had to fill in form for a careers assessment. This form is about a zillion pages long and asks questions which are exceedingly difficult to answer in one or two words. I inevitably end up writing small essays in every little space as I try to explain accurately how life is with my Boy. One has to feel emotionally strong before one starts these forms because one certainly feels emotionally drained afterwards.  One of the little boxes to tick was whether I ever felt in physical danger from JBoy or not. I ticked that yes I do sometimes feel that. He hits out randomly and has a hefty punch. I fact recently he hit my face hard which made my mouth bleed. Of course this ha to be tempered with the fact that he doesn't really understand the consequences of his actions. In the instance mentioned, he was protesting about some thing we were asking him to do and the thump was more about that than hurting me.  So, yes, I do sometimes feel in personal danger....but I can still run faster than he can! Which is what I said to the social worker when she phoned up all concerned, having read my form. I wanted them to know that he hits nd hurts but I don't want them to think he is violent and uncontrollable on purpose. Oh it's a fine line to walk!!! The truth is also that M and  I both have the backs of our hands laced with interlocking scars from where JBoy has scratched and gouged us over the years. It's all part of parenting a chap with Otherabilities, such as ours. The concerned social worker was convinced that I m not in mortal danger, but at least they now know that it isn't all plain sailing.  He will be home in about 20 minutes. I should be peeling potatoes....but I am sitting down with a new book and a cup of coffee instead. Well, it's Friday!!!
THe End

Thursday, 3 November 2016

a gift

So...JBoy was away at the weekend at the Most marvellous Respite Centre where he had fun, created mischief, stole towels and generally had a ball. While he was away, M and I were given a present. This gift was a weekend away....just us. We went to a place full of walks, woodland and wonderment. We had a lovely little lodge/pod/chalet..I am not precisely sure what it is officially called....which overlooked nothing but trees and more trees. M was a very happy bunny. We unpacked our meagre weekend belongings and settled down for a coffee from the splendid coffee machine. On opening the door, nature rushed up to investigate. Clearly used to the sight and sounds of humankind, we were visited by squirrels galore, geese, swans, ducks and a rabbit popped by to say hello. Once we had communed with nature for a bit we decided to explore our surroundings. We had a lovely long walk, encountering only squirrels and the occasional coot. It was surprising to find ourselves so alone when the site was jam packed with excited families, away for the final weekend of their half term. They were all doing other things such as swimming, archery and crazy golf. Our weekend took on much the same pattern...we walked while everyone else was busy elsewhere. We explored the entire woodland area and walked by the perimeter fence so went as far as we could. It felt a bit if we were in some alternative world while outside the fence , ordinary life continued apace. Maybe it is because I now work in a bookshop and have absorbed bookiness , or maybe it is because I have an overactive , hyperactive, imagination that I began to construct a story in my head whereby we were in a place where all was jolly and bright...sometimes enforcedly so. The staff in the shops were incredibly jolly and everyone of them wished us a happy day and instructed us to enjoy our, there we were,fenced in, no cars (all neatly parked  in an enormous car park), sounds of happy children , nature in abundance, smiley people, food available at almost any time you wanted it,  while outside the fence, the humdrum sound of tractors and cars.....which one of us was the free one??????......could be a deep philosophical question. Discuss among yourselves!!!
All in all we ended the weekend refreshed and a little weary after so much unaccustomed JBoy-free walking. JBoy had had a fab time too ....hurrah.
The End