Monday, 3 April 2017

Better Monday

so.....having had my melt down and jolly good cry yesterday, I feel a lot better today. Nothing has changed, obviously. I was up with The Boy at about 1 and that was us, awake. So ,I should feel weary (I do) but somehow the abject misery and feelings of hopeless uselessness which so over whelmed me yesterday have somewhat dissipated.  I still grieve for that 'ordinariness' that many of the rest of our friends and acquaintances experience....but today, I am coping. It maybe helped that I read someone else's blog about  coping on some days but not coping on others. It helped. Maybe I am ordinary...in a different sort of of ordinary way. Maybe our family is ordinary...in its own way. I don't know. I just know that today I am coping. For that I am grateful.

The End

Sunday, 2 April 2017

melt down sunday

So...today I had a melt down. Endless broken nights, endlessly unconditi0nally being on hand, relentless demands...finally I tipped. It was a simple passing comment from another of our offspring that tipped me into a downward freefall. It wasn't meant to have that effect. But it did. Our life has not been an ordinary one for many years...but I didn't know how much I grieved for that ordinary life. I hadn't realised how much I long for an ordinary family where we can all sit around together and laugh together and maybe go on holiday together, with our children and their children. I hadn't known how much I envy the ordinariness of going to the pub..or an impromptu visit to a pizza house without military precision planning, bags of huge nappies, wipes etc.i hadn't acknowledged aloud the depth of my feelings, the agony of the pain of not being ordinary and the effect that has had on us as a family unit. I feel like I have failed.


So today has turned out to be a less than lovely day.

The end

Monday, 27 February 2017

the bird has flown

So....hours and moment have passed since last I wrote.  Things change. My lovely chum has gone back to the land of her birth which happens to be on the other side of the world. I know that in these modern times we can still keep in touch much more readily than in days gone by but it feels very different, knowing that I can't just pop over to see her.

DG has been home and gone back again. It is so lovely to see her but also so lovely knowing that she is doing the thing which she loves.  For me though, there is a gap where she was. This has happened with each of our offspring...they have left...flown...as is right and proper...and the gap they left behind will never be filled in the same way again. This is how it should be..I know. Except of course for JBoy. He is still here and will be for the foreseeable future. However M and I are becoming very aware of our age and the fact that we won't be able to do all we do with JBoy for much longer...but the alternative feels too hard.

the birds have flown
All but one
Who stays,
Entwined
Enrobed with parental love
As we age around him

Thursday, 2 February 2017

the early start

So....I was awoken this morning at 11.38pm...so technically last night. Not very funny but if I don't laugh about it, I might cry!!! #Choosing to laugh.  I am just learning about these hashtags..still not sure of their purpose but I have been told I have to do it!!

JBoy did sleep a bit on and off after that so it isn't all bad. We listened to the twinkletinkle toy ad nauseam but I must have fallen asleep for a little while because I had a dream that I had smashed the twinkletinkle toy into a million pieces....but it was just a dream...or a nightmare, maybe.

The bus was the Right Bus this morning but with the Wrong driver so it was spectacularly late, leaving JBoy and I outside in the 'mild' February weather which may be mild for February but which feels positively fierce after an hour. Shivering, he climbed thankfully aboard whilst I went into the house to thaw. Having thawed, I ventured out again ,but this time with my big thick coat, to purchase the potatoes and have a little potter about. Not working today but I did stop to admire  'my' window (I was allowed and even encouraged to do the children's window yesterday...oh I had such fun.....) before forging forwards to the supermarket where I managed to purchase enough potatoes to keep the Boy happy for a couple of days.  I think baked today. Easiest for me and with my brain in a slightly mushed state I think easy is the way to go.

An hour before the Boy returns and the house is filled once again with the sound of singing Santas and noisy cars.
#Christmasallyear

How am I doing with the hashtags???? Who knows? Who cares???

The End


Monday, 30 January 2017

monday monday

So....Monday, Monday...here you are again. I have had a bit of a bleak few days but today is looking brighter...it's weird really. There is no rhyme nor reason to these fluctuations in mood..unless I am linked in some way to the moon....stranger things have been suggested!   JBoy was particularly grumpy this morning, for no apparent reason. Maybe he too was having a January moment. Nothing was right for him today. I thought I might have a battle royale to get him on the Bus but thankfully, the most marvellous Escort took over and persuaded him that on the bus was the place to be. Off he went, grumping all the way.

I then walked briskly into town. A brisk walk is often a tonic to JBoy induced stresses. Today was cold and grey but I have felt lighter and brighter today than I have for many a day...see, no rhyme nor reason.

My head is full of thoughts..of course, my Offspring are all in there. I journal as well as occasional blogging. I have  used books and books of notebooks in my time. I love a good notebook.....if in doubt, buy a notebook and a lovely pen. It works a treat! In my current journal,when I think about my children, I write their names down in different colours. Then decorate the page with drawings, words ....whatever feels appropriate. I have also recently developed a handy system....you will see the pun soon.....each finger represents a child, their partner or their children..they are literally at my fingertips. If I need to think and, yes, pray, for any given person at any given moment, I can literally hold the relevant digit and bring that person, those persons to mind.  It works for me at the moment.

We all find our own ways of doing things.. coping with things. Mine is writing them down and sometimes drawing them. Sometimes only a drawing will do as the words just won't come...I have written a diary or journal since I was about 9. It's part of who I am. They became more intense when JBoy was born as it was the only place I could let out my pain and agonised grief. At that point, I had three Others to keep relatively sane for...so all my pent up emotions went onto paper and occasionally into a silent scream when no one was watching...

There have been other profoundly difficult times in my life when journaling became the lifebelt in my storm. So, for me ,it works or at least helps a little.I know it doesn't work for everyone and I admire people who find other coping mechanisms. It is important to find one...a coping mechanism that is. I hope that if anyone is reading this, you have found yours.

Bye for now
THe End

Off to peel the potato for the Boy.......some things never change!





Sunday, 29 January 2017

sunday

So..today is Sunday. Neither M nor I feel much able to Parent today. As there is no one else, we will have to. It's at times like this that I wish we had some external support. Churches we have attended have not been able, for whatever reason, to stand in that place and help us. We have no family nearby and today we feel very much alone in a world full of people.
We aren't alone. I know that. We aren't the only ones who feel stranded. Alone. Caught. I have no idea what the answer is..and until I find it, we shall have to soldier on and be the parents JBoy needs, despite ourselves. It's what we do. It's what hundreds of parents do.


Let's have a standing ovation for parents everywhere...for people who do even when they feel like they can't.....

The end

P.S. Sorry for the moany content of the most recent posts....clearly having a January moment

😏


Saturday, 28 January 2017

Saturday musings

So..today has been a day of mixed events. JBoy woke up grumpy and has grumped around most of the day. We managed to walk into town. That was quite pleasant. We stood on the town square. That was quite pleasant....if a little chilly. We walked around the town a little. That was quite pleasant. Then, after an hour or so M and I were chilled to our bones and needed to come home...this was when JBoy became less than pleasant. He fought. He pushed. He grabbed. He fell to the ground. He tried to uproot plants from the carefully planted planters which grace the town square. He was generally unpleasant. After repeated comments such as, 'time to go home now' and 'shall we go home for a sandwich we managed to stagger from planter to lamppost, from lamppost to shop door etc all the way home. On rival at our humble abode we were all exhausted. Thai is was one of the less appealing aspects to the day.

A jolly thing which happened this afternoon was that some of our lovely friends came for a cup of tea and a piece of cake. Yes, they tried the wedding cake layer 2. It was generally approved by all. Hurrah. That was a happy part of the day.

We , M nd I, have discovered the joys of Netflix so the latter part of the afternooon nd the early part of this evening has been spent in watching a film on Netflix. Sometimes we had the sound on...what a treat........JBoy's sensibilities are far too delicate for us to have the sound on all the time!!...that has been a pleasant thing.

So. A day which has been good in parts.it is these good parts which enable us to cope with the less good ones. Maybe a maxim for life.....the good parts enable us to do the less good parts. I shall try to remember that!!!

Much love to all and sundry

The End

Friday, 27 January 2017

Flamingo


blanket



Blankets

Of snow
Of leaves
Of mist


Blankets


Of warmth
Of comfort
Of protection

Blankets

All embracing
Complete
Universal

So many meanings,
So many images
For something so


Simple


I love blankets. I make blankets. A blanket makes everything feel better. Maybe that's why JBoy likes clutching a blanket. It makes his world feel better. I can go with that.







cake!




So....later this year Melodymaid and Bassmanbill will be getting married. I have been given the amazing privilege of making the wedding cake. I made one for Bohemianbabe then later another for Medicineman...this was in the days when I had many offspring living at home so cake making was something which happened on a weekly basis. I am no Mary Berry or any other reknowned cake maker but I had developed a chocolate cake that became my signature bake. Since then we have dwindled to a household of three....one of whom cannot eat ordinary cake, one of whom does not eat cake due to her ever expanding waistline (guess which one of the three that is) and the other would eat it but making an entire cake for one man seems somehow bad and wrong. So..I m somewhat out of practice. This has however given me an excuse, should one be needed, to do a flurry of practice runs. The final cake will be a piece of art work and the layer which I have made today will eventually be part of the whole....the final design remains a secret...hee hee...apart from all the people I have told. The above photo is attempt number three of layer number two. This third attempt is neither too dry nor too soggy. I may have done it! However, the wedding is not until May and whilst I COULD freeze the thing, it might not be so nice after several months in the freezer SO we might just have to eat it.......not JBoy obviously.....he might explode if he had this in his digestive system.....oh, what to do, what to do!!!  Clearly I need a cake eating party. Hands up if you are coming........

Best go and wipe the chocolate off my face where I licked the spoon and managed to paint  my face with chocolate

Happy cake Friday

THe End

Thursday, 26 January 2017

Good days and bad days

So...there are good days and there are bad days. The thing is to be able to carry on so that JBoy does not notice. He needs us to be the same..always...sometimes that is part of the struggle. His little smiling trusting face expects us to be the same always. He helps keep the Black Dog at bay.....

Sometimes I wonder if he has a black dog of his own. On those days when he is particularly difficult and in transigent. When nothing is right. Is his black dog nipping at his heels????

There is no way of knowing.

We have to be constant

Kicking the Black dog out of the way

Sometimes this is the hardest

The End

one word

One word
And he comes

Emotions tangle
Thoughts wrangle
Tears spangle

One word
And he comes

Heels nipped
Toes clipped
Smile slipped

One word
And he comes

Shuffling, torn
Resolves worn
Pricking thorn

One word

Would that
One word
Would send him

Slinking away
Muzzled
Disenfranchised
Powerless
Grey

One word
And he comes

The Black Dog


fly

So..today I want to fly away.

.it's that kind of day
I want to soar
And swoop
Watch life beneath
Sit in a tree
Without having to think
Of dinner
 Or washing
Or routine

I want to be lifted
By warmth
And held
In the slipstream

Above the black dog
Barking
Baying
Howling

Laughing in his face




Today is one of those days


The end

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

january

So.....awakened at 3.30am by JBoy, I am now sitting, immobile, by a lovely cosy fire, trying to keep my eyes open as said Boy will soon be returning from the Most Marvellous day Centre.  I am sure he has had a splendid day , full of jolly japes and raillerie . I too have had a jolly day...coffee with chums, a spot of necessary shopping in actual shops and then home for a spot of distance shopping in virtual shops.  It is dangerously easy to shop in virtual shops as it doesn't feel like shopping at all...a little click here and another there and the deed is done. It's a bit like the Middle Aisle of Aldi and Lidl...there are so many things I didn't know I needed! I have spent a good few minutes searching for just the right item of clothing...to no avail but I have ordered three other things instead. All ABSOLUTELY necessary, you understand. In these dismal grey days of January, when the skies are grey and heavy, and this particular January when the world watches with breath bated as Trump does his thing in the White House, I have found the internet to be a place where I have found sunshine and sparkly things to gladden the heart of this girl (obviously I use that term loosely). I know there are dark things on the internet and hidden nastiness but I have chosen to seek out the good, the happy and the joyous. Would that we could always do that in actual life too...seek out the good, the happy and the joyous in one another, in the world around, in ourselves. Maybe this is another Not a New Years Resolution coming upon me.
That said, my good, happy and joyous Boy will be home at any minute so I shall bid you farewell.

Do that.

Fare well.

Seek out the good
The happy
The Joyous


Let me know how it goes.

The End

Thursday, 19 January 2017

this is NOT a New Years resolution

So...a New Year is well under way by now.  Little changes in our house....each night, one of is Parent on Duty while the other enjoys the luxury of sleep only to wake and realise that they are PoD for the following night.....JBoy continues to be a delight and a despair at the same time. He continues to surprise and entertain us but also pulls, kicks and generally Boyhandles us on a regular basis. We try to understand his every nuance. We try to anticipate his every move and we try to respond appropriately to every demand.  This year will be an interesting one....Melody Maid will be marrying the Love of her Life, M nd I will be entertaining a birthday number which ends with a 0 , Brexit will mean Brexit and Trump will be the new president of the USA. These are things I know about...who knows what else it will hold....I realise that during 2016 I lost some of the light hearted ness and joy which I felt at the beginning of the year. There is no knowing why exactly but I really want it back. I want to feel a smile brewing just because I see something random or pretty or quirky or ordinary...so although I don't do New Years resolutions as such, my thoughts for 2017 are that I want to enjoy it. In every possible way.
All suggestions as to how to do this,  will be gratefully received 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃

Thank you in advance

The end