Sunday, 31 January 2016

fears and that...

So..here's one in the interests of complete honesty and vulnerability. Feels a bit like opening my chest to let you see into my heart but I just wanted to write about my innermost fears and thoughts as I know I can seem to be flippant and superficial. A coping mechanism perhaps?? Here goes....

Most of the time I DO cope with our life as it is(just as well!!!) but there are occasions when fear overwhelms and inundates me. Fears about the future..both Jboy's and ours. Sometimes my fears about what will be are so heavy I can almost feel them, pressing down.

What if he dies? When he was a baby and was rushed back into hospital, there were obviously items of his clothing in our washing system (a loose term for the whole washing, drying, sorting thing that went on/goes with tedious regularity).
It was the little socks that turned me into a blubbering wreck. So small. So evocative of the little feet that had filled them but hours before. Would they ever be needed again?? I remember sitting on the floor and just sobbing. We were fortunate/blessed that we did have those little feet back to fill those tiny socks (I remember them clearly. They were white with little blue and red stripes). I know there are people who are not so fortunate as we were and you have my admiration, respect and deepest,deepest sympathy.
We have had him for so much longer now. The medics warned us at the beginning of his life that they could not predict his life expectancy as they had never met anyone like him before... his every illness fills me with fear and trepidation. Even to this day.

What if I die? How will he cope? How will he understand? Will he feel abandoned?? I can't quite carry in me the thought of his grief, inexplicable to him. How will M cope????

What if M dies? How will we cope .... how will I cope? There is so much I cannot physically do with/for Jboy any more and need M to help with....What would happen???

What of Jboy's future? What if someone is cruel to him.?......he can't tell us..how would we know??? How on earth can we prevent it? and...What happens when we can't cope with him at home anymore???

I know these fears are not exclusive to me. I know that many parents fear the same sort of things but I can't and don't speak for them.  I am just speaking for me. Thankfully, most of the time, obviously one just gets on with life but from time to time, in the quiet of the night, I am overwhelmed and I almost cannot breathe with fear.  Rigid.
So.....just know, parents,friends, that it is OK to fear. It is Ok and probably even natural for a parent to feel such things but it is if these fears take over and rule your every waking hour that it becomes a problem. Being washed by fears every now and then are part of  life. Managing to swim in the sea of worries is also a part.  Isn't it?or is it??? But if/when you start drowning in them , then you might need external help. I know I do.

So, if you peer into my  heart you will see fear and worries a-plenty. They are there. Raw and sore. I cannot deny it and don't. BUT I am thankful that for the most part I can keep afloat and if I feel myself sinking (which I do) I have friends and family to help me float again. Sometimes we all need a little help from our friends...and more to the point, we have to tell them we need that help and then let them do it.(I am speaking to myself as much as anyone else here)



So, ponderous Sunday pondering over. Thanks for being there.
The End